I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
