she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize