i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
