he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
