2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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