my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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