When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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