Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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