we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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