If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
