i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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