i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
