i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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