When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
True college students do jello shots in the library
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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