Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
