if you like me you must not know who I am
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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