I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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