3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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