I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize