So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
