my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
