my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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