so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
