I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
