Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
