I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
