I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
