i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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