"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
