then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
