i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Of course I have a pirate flag
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
