just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
