At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
