ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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