U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
