I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
