this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
