how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
