plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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