I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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