ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
