Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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