you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
