he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
