god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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