Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
last night I used snow as a chaser
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
