i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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