i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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