The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize