So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
