His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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