I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
