So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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