I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
