I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
