I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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