Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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