Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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