I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
