I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
