HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
