Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
