The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize