you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
